I have failed you.
I gave up on writing what I hoped would be an educational and humorous article about the history, usage, and purpose of the bidet.
I find the whole apparatus absurd. Each time I see one, and I assure you they are prevalent in Italy, I question its existence. People around the world use the bidet for hygienic reasons, to clean themselves after they use the toilet. But it looks like a toilet... or a sink... or it's part of the toilet. It has various water propulsion systems that I simply can't imagine squatting over. I even discussed it's usage with other people and their experiences (all positive) and still, I am unable to express my thoughts clearly.
I know I should be accepting of other cultural practices, but the bidet is just one of those things that makes me uncomfortable.
If you are unaware what a bidet is and how to use it, there is a rather graphic WikiHow article that should provide you the education that I cannot. It's not often I am speechless, especially when I am writing about a topic I feel so strongly about. But, alas, the bidet has left me feeling defeated once again.